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I just spent a very long time laughing hysterically at the following website with my roommates…

F My Life

Enjoy.

(It’s good to be back, people.)

Seriously folks, it’s been a while. 

I’m glad to say that I’m returning and haven’t forgotten everyone out there in cyberspace (or you, Ryan H.). I’ll start planning a fantastic, witty comeback post for sometime in the new year. I now know how Britney must feel after the drugs, baldness, and custody battles came to an end and she realized working out and oh, I don’t know, not being crazy would do wonders for her comeback career. Like maybe I did something really insane this past month and dropped off the face of the world just to figure out that all I really want to do with my life is post witticisms about famous people who make dubious fashion and life choices. 

But that’s one secret I’ll never tell. 

Xoxo. 

 

(That Gossip Girl reference is dedicated you, MF – as if you didn’t already know.)

So, Jennifer Aniston’s highly-anticipated Vogue interview is not as exciting as it should’ve been. Her first time speaking about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s relationship coulda, shoulda, woulda been more shocking. Here’s an excerpt of the article (Aniston talking to Jonathan Van Meter of Vogue):

“[Aniston] asks [Meter] if I ever saw a cartoon that appeared in the New York Post a couple of years ago that depicts Aniston talking on the phone in her kitchen. The bubble over her head says, HI ANGELINA…I DECIDED TO TAKE YOU UP ON YOUR OFFER OF A ‘SIT-DOWN TALK.’…In the drawing, Aniston is loading a shotgun, and there is a copy of Vogue sitting next to her. (The cartoon was inspired by an interview I did with Jolie for this magazine in January 2007 in which she said she would welcome the opportunity to ‘sit down’ with Aniston.) Someone sent Aniston the cartoon (‘the funniest thing I’ve ever seen,’ she says), and afterward, she could not resist the urge to buy a copy of Vogue to see what the fuss was about.

What really rankled Aniston about the piece was that Jolie felt the need to recount a detailed timeline of exactly how her relationship developed on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, while Aniston was still married to and living with Pitt. ‘There was stuff printed there that was definitely from a time when I was unaware that it was happening,’ says Aniston. ‘I felt those details were a little inappropriate to discuss.’ Aniston, still galled, shakes her head in disbelief. ‘That stuff about how she couldn’t wait to get to work every day? That was really uncool.’

I honestly don’t even think anyone would begrudge her being balls-to-the-wall pissed off about the whole thing. Come on, Jenn! Grow a pair and tell us how you really feel.

 

**photos from Vogue via thesuperficial.com

Hey party people.

I totally skipped out on Guilty Pleasure Friday the other day – I was out of town and didn’t get to it beforehand. Sorry!

Anywho, I promise to make it up to you all because there are quite the celebrity stories from this weekend including Jamie Lynn and Sarah Palin (who apparently won’t be leaving the spotlight anytime soon).

Get excited, people.

1. Interested in learning more about your snazzy blog author? Check out Elizabeth Says (more).

2. Other entertaining celebrity news blogs: Evil Beet Gossip, The Superficial

3. Meet some of my friends: Erat Hora, Quirky and Talented, Love the Questions, Five Days Between, Made in Richmond

4. Need a good laugh?:Someecards, Overheard in the Office

What in the world is the criteria for getting a Hollywood Star these days? Does Howie Mandel, the host of “Deal or No Deal,” really qualify??

It just doesn’t seem right.

 

Well, I just did some extensive research (google.com search) and found out you now just have to pay a fee, submit an application, and then get voted in. Thank goodness it isn’t based on raw talent and years of hard-earned fame anymore! Then Ricky Martin, Ryan Seacrest, and Keanu Reeves * would never have made it on the list with the likes of Hollywood Legends such as Marilyn Monroe, Humphrey Bogart, and Steven Spielburg.

But I am secretly thrilled to see that Chuck Norris has one:

 

And just for fun:

*Not that they don’t work hard, but COME ON, are they really on the same playing field as Martin Scorsese or Ed Sullivan?? (and NO, Ryan Seacrest, you aren’t the next Ed – Let. It. Go.)

**photo from people.com

Miley Cyrus (who I still love a little for that “7 Things” song – check out the video and my thoughts about her here) just celebrated her Sweet Sixteen at Disneyland. Her real birthday is in November, but nevertheless, she put on a show, closed down the park and charged guests a whopping $250 a ticket to partake in the shindig. Aside from it seeming a lot like a sell-out and a sad way to make extra money, I am totally in awe that Miley is only 15. I knew she was young but not THAT young. She looks older than I am now! Here are some photos of Miley bein’ Miley at age 15…

 

I mean, I wasn’t even allowed to wear tank tops until I officially turned 16 nor would I EVER been allowed in such short dresses or heels that high. I also wasn’t allowed to watch MTV or Friends, go out on dates, or drive any of my friends in the car until I was 17 (ahem, thanks, Mom), but those are different things altogether and have no bearing on Miley looking like she’s in her 20s. Apart from dressing like she’s at least of legal age, she also just looks so much older thanks to her bleached teeth, heavy makeup, and dyed hair. Where are the braces? The zits? The being awkward in your own skin? All the things that other 15 almost 16 year olds have to go through (also things I’m still struggling with)??

All these little girls famous from Disney Channel shows make me nervous. They’re all way underage – 15, 16 – yet they look so much older…

This is Selena Gomez from the Disney Channel. She isn’t dressed inappropriately or like she’s older but her hair and makeup and whole persona…just feels older than 16.

 

This is Demi Lovato from the Disney Channel (apparently her and Selena are best friends and have a feud with Miley…so much drama). She is 16. WTF? Is it just me who thinks all these are way younger than they look?? Can I try to convince you one more time?

Maybe I’m just insanely jealous because I did NOT (still don’t, never will) look this way. I know they have stylists, hair crews, makeup artists, so on and so forth but is that really necessary? Can’t they just make sure they still look like teenagers at least? Or at least force them to wear a sign with their 18th birthday date so no unsuspecting guy has to go to jail when he asks for their phone numbers when they sneak into clubs or something.

I just wish I had a photo of myself at age 15/16 to show you the stark, terrifying contrast. *

 

 

*Hahahahaha, JUST KIDDING. I would NEVER put a photo of myself from that age for anyone else to see. What a horrible, horrible idea. I will now go have nightmares about that…

**photos from evilbeetgossip.com, people.com, selenaweb.org

Ahhh, Friday. The most glorious of all days. The sun shines brighter, the birds chirp louder, and the alcohol flows freely (or else, it will closer towards evening when my roommate and I head out to dance the night away). And although Fridays do put an extra special bounce in my Old-Navy-flip-flopped step, there are a few storm clouds on my otherwise sunny horizon that I need to address: Poorly Paired Celebrity Couples.

Yes, I KNOW that this topic keeps you awake at night too, grinding your teeth, rocking back and forth slowly muttering “What the HELL, TomKat? Brangelina? UGH”…and then you have to slap yourself because you’ve wasted brain cells and perfectly good sleep time AND because you’re combining celebrity couples’ names – which is so freaking annoying and needs to stop immediately (I blame Ryan Seacrest, even though I’m not quite sure it’s his fault…it’s just amusing to blame him for all of the world’s problems). 

So, thanks to the brilliant suggestion from a close friend of mine, let’s suspend reality for a few fleeting moments.

 

Guilty Pleasure Friday: Get Back Together, Please!

1. Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears – Pop Music Royalty

The world may have been a better place if these two had just worked out their problems and stayed together. They were practically engineered for each other; God/Buddha/Whoever did a coordinating paint-by-numbers from the PopStars collection and procured its Prince and Princess in J.T. and BritBrit. If they got back together, she could probably hold onto a shred of sanity, a decent hair weave, and at least partial custody of her kids. Justin would stop being so brooding and serious and could help Britney out by doing another duet to showcase his mad beatbox skills. Oh, how I hope to one day live in a world where Justin and Britney are once again united by unconditional love, laughter, and matching denim outfits.

  

2. Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt – Hollywood’s Golden Couple

I still think that their break up is a publicity stunt. I’ll wake up Monday and the headlines will read: Too Perfect Together To Ever Be Apart. I mean, come on you guys! It’s been years and people (well, me) are still not over your divorce. Brad, yes, Angelina Jolie seems incredibly hard to resist, what with the piercing blue eyes, amazing tattooed body, and those infamous lips, but even you must admit she’s a shady character. She used to wear Billy Bob’s blood in a vial around her neck, admitted to collecting and having a (sometimes sexual) fascination with knives, and made out with her brother on many occasions. I know she’s practically a Saint these days, but WOW that’s a LOT of baggage. Wouldn’t you rather be with sweet, down-to-earth, naturally gorgeous Jennifer?

And, Jen, hang in there. I bet when Angelina is trying to convince Brad to adopt and save their 27th child he’s just going to throw up his hands and say “ENOUGH. I did NOT sign up for this,” and come running back to you.

 

3. Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson – Beauty and No Brains

I’m going to admit it once and for all, I miss Newlyweds. These two, while sometimes gross and lots of time idiotic, were supremely entertaining together. Jessica sang her best songs and looked fantastic; Nick drank a lot of beer and got invited to Playboy Mansion Parties. What a great combination! Since then, Jess has had no career to speak of and Nick has still been working out and probably still drinking lots of beer. I know he is dating that pretty Vanessa girl, but their relationship just seems so ‘eh’ and boring – just two attractive people who photograph well together and always seem to be wearing swimsuits. Nick, where’s the passion? The steamy music videos? The tank tops??? Get back together with Jessica before she completely collapses in on herself like a dying star. Then maybe you could try to launch your solo career again…

Hahaha, kidding. Please don’t.

 

4. Katie Holmes and well, anybody else…

    

Don’t get me wrong, I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE for Katie Holmes to get back together with Joshua Jackson (who wouldn’t?), but in all honesty, I would LOVE for Katie Holmes to get with anybody other than Tom “crazy eyes” Cruise. Besides, she and Josh dated only briefly while filming the first 2 seasons of Dawson’s Creek, and that was quite some time ago. Who knows if it would really happen again?

Then again, Katie dated and was engaged to Chris Klein for years. I don’t really know much about their relationship but their couple-y pictures seem lovely, normal, and socially acceptable (all the missing pieces of her current relationship). So, Katie, for the love of Buddha, just pick somebody else. Being with Tom makes you look dead inside, makes you dress in really bad clothes, and makes you look like a giant.

You want another reason? Here. This photo is making EVERYBODY UNCOMFORTABLE:

 

YIKES.

 

*Update – I JUST noticed that not only is Tom Cruise totally creepy beyond all reason but he is soaking wet. What IS that, sweat? Like Katie needs ANOTHER reason to leave him. Ew.

 

**photos from people.com, timeinc.com, nsyncfans.com

Life is still pretty hectic for me now – celebrity blog posting has been pushed aside momentarily as my brain cells are otherwise occupied and my creativity is taking a leave of absence. To hear a little bit more about my busy everyday life, check out Elizabeth says (more).

And expect some new CELEBRITASTIC postings this weekend because I am home and have time to relax and type.

Something to ponder while anxiously waiting for new posts: Why does Heidi Klum’s accent sound so fake? Sometimes she pronounces her r’s, sometimes she doesn’t. Sometimes it seems like she slips up and speaks so American-y that I yell accusatory comments at the television set. So, is Heidi fooling anybody with her ‘German accent’ or should I chill the freak out, stop taking it so personally, and write about more interesting things? Discuss…

Dear Gossip Girl boys,

 

 

I’m really sorry that you all fell into a lake before shooting this magazine cover. You look wet, cold and angry. I can relate. It’s not pleasant being caught in a sudden downpour, getting hit by a rogue ocean wave or being pushed into a pool with all your clothes on (or whatever must have happened). According to the lovely Mary Frances, when unexpectedly soaked to the bone you can either laugh or cry…apparently you didn’t get that memo. I hope your next photo shoot goes better for you all.

I’m also sincerely sorry that one of the headings posted here is “Inside the Twisted World of Revenge Porn,” because, if people don’t recognize your handsome faces from TV, they might just think you were victims of a scandalous gay ring of hate pornography. And that just can’t be good for anybody’s reputation.

Lastly, how ironically fun is it that the magazine also has the headline “Do You Have Douchebag Hair?” printed near your pretty little faces when they obviously didn’t even attempt to style your own hairdos! I mean, just because one of you has your shirt opened one button shy of being socially appropriate and all of you have perfected the fiercest pouty lip poses I’ve ever seen…doesn’t mean you’re douchebags. Right? Right?  

 

Your apologetic Blog Captain,

(yes, I still think that title is funny…just humor me)

Liz

 

**photo from people.com