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Dear Gossip Girl boys,

 

 

I’m really sorry that you all fell into a lake before shooting this magazine cover. You look wet, cold and angry. I can relate. It’s not pleasant being caught in a sudden downpour, getting hit by a rogue ocean wave or being pushed into a pool with all your clothes on (or whatever must have happened). According to the lovely Mary Frances, when unexpectedly soaked to the bone you can either laugh or cry…apparently you didn’t get that memo. I hope your next photo shoot goes better for you all.

I’m also sincerely sorry that one of the headings posted here is “Inside the Twisted World of Revenge Porn,” because, if people don’t recognize your handsome faces from TV, they might just think you were victims of a scandalous gay ring of hate pornography. And that just can’t be good for anybody’s reputation.

Lastly, how ironically fun is it that the magazine also has the headline “Do You Have Douchebag Hair?” printed near your pretty little faces when they obviously didn’t even attempt to style your own hairdos! I mean, just because one of you has your shirt opened one button shy of being socially appropriate and all of you have perfected the fiercest pouty lip poses I’ve ever seen…doesn’t mean you’re douchebags. Right? Right?  

 

Your apologetic Blog Captain,

(yes, I still think that title is funny…just humor me)

Liz

 

**photo from people.com

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Dear readers,

Forgive me for not being prolific in the past few days. I have about 238 things on my work to-do list (don’t even get me started on the non-work to-do list…quite longer than the first), and since I don’t get reliable internet connection at home yet, cannot blog from the comfort of my living room. Sigh. I await the glorious day when I can afford and properly connect my wireless router, pour a big glass of wine (if you think these posts are mildly entertaining now just wait until I write while drinking), and snuggle on my couch to type. It’s something I wish I could be doing RIGHT NOW instead of procrastinating because I can’t figure out how to work the damn software needed to finish this stock gift entry. Oh the joys of being a Development/Fundraiser worker for a small non-profit school.

Anywho, I hope to get some more free time towards the end of the week. Be on the lookout for posts…if you have any suggestions or ideas of what you want to see LET ME KNOW! I love getting comments. Plus it helps having feedback when my brain is so tired that I can’t come up with new material. Like now.

Sincerely,

Your tired, relatively cranky Blog Captain

 

P.S. Please call me Blog Captain if you leave any comments because it entertains me. Over and out.

This post started out titled “Underated Movies that I Love” and included everything from the Justin Timberlake movie Model Behavior (the tag line is: Looks like love is out of Sync!) to Get Over it! with Kirsten Dunst, Sisqo (yes, the Thong Song guy) and Martin Short – by the way, if you’ve never seen this movie go rent it NOW. It is f-ing hilarious. Finish reading this post and get your ass to a video store. You can thank me later.

Anyways, of course I had to include a MK & A movie in the list but hmm…well, which one?? It’s sort of impossible to pick just one. Then, as I frantically tried to decide, the post took on a life of its own. Before I knew it, I had 2 dozen Olsen movies in my Amazon.com queue, was applying layers upon layers of black eyeliner and had decided to take a month off from showering (ahem, Mary Kate). So I took a deep breath before I started dressing like a homeless person and decided to just dedicate a whole Guilty Pleasure Friday to the twinlettes.

 Reasons I Love the Olsen Twins:

1. Movies – Obviously the first thing that comes to my mind, here are some of the best ones: the classics To Grandmother’s House We Go (they were SO CUTE then) and It Takes Two, followed by Billboard Dad, Passport to Paris, Winning London, Holiday in the Sun, Getting There (my favorite), The Challenge, When in Rome and New York Minute.

                  

                 

They’s all totally formulaic and cheesy but also quite fabulous. I mean, it’s exactly how I’d want to make movies…pick a fun foreign place to film, wear tons of adorable outfits, and hand pick an attractive love interest with an accent to costar. GENIUS. The girls got to go from Paris to London to the Bahamas to Australia to Rome and get paid for it! Sign me up.

2. That Full House catchphrase “You got it, dude!”

3. Fashion – They know their clothing! Even though they sometimes wear ridiculous things, for the most part I think they always look quirky and cute.

 

 

4. If nothing else has convinced you that the twins ROCK, this should work:


 

(You’re welcome for getting this song stuck in your head all day. Enjoy!)

 

I’m off to the Outer Banks, NC until Sunday to enjoy the rainy weather. But don’t worry, I’ll have great company, board games, and plenty of beer (thanks to Brew Thru I won’t even have to get wet).

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

 

 

**photos from buddytv.com, wikipedia.org, nytimes.com

SPENCER: we’re too self-centered

                to wear hairnets. sorry you

                have to throw this out

HEIDI: I hope my extra

          shiny lipgloss impresses

          these homeless people

 [more hilarious photos of heidi and spencer “volunteering“]

 

incarceration

changed martha’s opinions of

normal sized wieners

 

 

 

**photos from people.com

T-Pain owns 22 cars. His most recent addition is a souped up 1991 Cadillac hearse. Yes, a hearse. He has installed speakers and TV’s in the coffin-carrying area and painted the whole monstrosity traffic-cone orange. I somehow feel that this is incredibly disrespectful to whomever (whoever? I never know) was previously transported in it. Picture this, if you will…

 Beloved Great Uncle Ted peacefully passes away in his sleep at the ripe old age of 97. He loved the Kennedy family, had a sweet tooth for sugar-free jellybeans (all except the green ones), and always carried around a hanky embroidered with his dear old dad’s initials. Your family travels from far and wide to mourn his death. Tears are shed and bittersweet stories are shared at the crowded funeral. The stately hearse led the procession with two little American flags waving from the front windows (Teddy was nothing if not a proud supporter of his country) and at the end of it all, everyone remarked on how it was exactly what he would’ve wanted…

 And then, this ass-wipe, wearing a freakin’ clown outfit and top hat, buys the handsome hearse that sweet, old Uncle Ted was led to his final resting place in, pimps it out, and then lacks enough tact to refrain from announcing that he had to “Febreeze the hell out of it.” Seriously?

I think Ted and his family would be HELLA-PISSED.

Although, if Great Uncle Ted had been a kooky old guy with a great sense of humor (always used foul language at family functions) and who was always kind of a bad-ass (slipped you your first sip of Bourbon at your middle school graduation, was the only guy at his nursing home who had dirty magazines under his mattress) then he’s probably wheezing and laughing somewhere thinking this is the best deal he could’ve gotten in the after-life.

 

 

**photo from people.com

A slightly different take on the Boy, Boys, Boys post, I have compiled a list of my top 5 favorite female celebrities. Gals that I admire and would gladly trade places with. Girl crushes, if you will.

1. The Golden Girl: Reese Witherspoon

Hands down, all around most fabulous celeb I’d like to trade lives with. Everything she touches turns to gold (well, minus that awful-looking movie Just Like Heaven – yikes – but hey, we’ve all made mistakes). She’s so naturally gorgeous that she even looks amazing running errands (seriously, NOT FAIR). She’s been in great movies – Walk the Line, Cruel Intentions, Sweet Home Alabama (you know you love it). She is the face of Avon, owns her own production company (Type A Films), volunteers all over the world, is one of the highest paid actresses ($15-20 million per flick) in America, has been on People’s ‘100 Most Beautiful’ list 4 times, has 2 adorable kids who will probably grow up to be sane and down to earth people (sorry, Suri, you will not make this list), dates Jake Gyllenhaal, etc, etc, etc.

She might be perfect. And, as this makes me realize how far from perfection I am, sort of hope she snaps and gets photographed attacking an SUV with an umbrella or something.

 

2. The Girl Next Door: Rachel Bilson

Have you ever had a friend who you’re insanely jealous of but you can’t hate because she’s so damn nice all the time? I imagine Rachel is that type of girl. She just seems so natural and so refreshingly normal that it’s borderline irritating. She likes to go for walks with her dog (who’s name is Thurmen Murmen, which I find hilarious), loves watching Jeopardy,and has been quoted saying if she wasn’t an actress she’d be a preschool teacher. UGH. Don’t you just want to go punch her in the face but then apologize and invite her over to drink PBR’s and watch Super Troopers?

 

3. The Girl Who Could Kick Your Ass & Still Look Good: Mariska Hargitay

Christopher Meloni made the Boys, Boys, Boys list; it’s only natural Ms. Olivia Benson from Law and Order: SVU makes the cut too. What can I say? They may just be the perfect pair. The highest paid actress on TV, Mariska is also the founder of The Joyful Heart Foundation (to help victims of sexual abuse). She is probably the coolest woman in the world, and it’s my secret hope that she one day becomes President of the United States, even though playing a detective on NBC probably isn’t the best prerequisite for running a country but whatever.

 

4. The Hottest Girl in the Entire World: Shakira

Literally, I imagine she can melt people. She’s not only amazingly talented (recognized as a superstar the world over) and kind (she’s donated about $45 million to various charities), but she can move her body in ways nobody else can. Don’t believe me? Watch her video for La Tortura and tell me I’m wrong (I triple dog dare you). I’d even go so far as to say I’d consider swinging both ways for her. Yeah, I said it.

 

5. The Alternate: Katie Holmes

Get. Rid. Of. Tom.

Seriously, Katie, what in the world were you thinking?? Just slip some Tylenol PM into his morning protein shake before he impregnates you again, and GET THE HELL OUT. Then maybe you can officially make it on my list.

Oh, and if you happen to rekindle a romance with Joshua Jackson that would really just make my life totally complete. Seriously, not even kidding one little bit, do it NOW.

 

 ***UPDATE (9/25/08): One my closest friends just started her very own blog and has written about her own favorite celebrity girls! Check it out at Five Days Between. Wo ai ni, Connie!

 

**for photo credits click on above pictures

Lovely readers,

Sorry about switching designs a few times today! I was searching for a better layout – one that actually displayed my blogroll, links, and recent posts – but probably left people feeling like they’d landed on the wrong homepage. I hope this design makes things easier and more streamlined. Let me know if you have any feedback, comments, or suggestions.

Have a terrific Tuesday evening!

-Liz

P.S. Law and Order: SVU season premiere is on NBC tonight at 10 pm (in case you were wondering).

kim’s massive boobies

upstage her castmates and make

all eyeballs bug out

 

TIM:  “heidi, from here on

         out please only address me

         as Big Daddy Gunn”

 

HEIDI: “herr gunn, please shove off. 

            there’s no way I’m schlagen-ing

            your brustäwarzes”

 

 

oh holy crap, madge

is a velociraptor

only scarier

 

 

**photos from people.com, gofugyourself.com

[ * everything in quote marks are real, actual K-Fed rap/song lyrics ]

Full Name: Kevin Earl Federline

Nickames: K-Fed, Fed Ex, Mr. Britney Spears, “Call me maloof” *

Birthday: March 21, 1978

Username: xXxPopozoa69

Celeb Status: rapper, dancer, freeloader, baby daddy

Personal Motto: “Waitress, can I have another drink please? I’d like to formally introduce myself…” *

Biggest relationship regret: “For the past five years it’s been all about you, I aint even been able to do my du.” *

How did your last relationship make you feel?: “I’m chopped up feeling like a vegetable.” *

What do you look for in the opposite sex?: “I wanna see some Popozao.” * **

What is your ideal first date?: “Whoo – yea baby, that shit is fire right there, you know what I’m talkin about? Let’s get drunk to this one damn it. Ho, one more jack and coke bitch.” *

Tell us about your career: “I got tired of drugs so I switched to rap.” *

Describe yourself in 10 words or less: “So high I could prolly drop a shit and fly.” *

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?: “I got 50 mil, I can do whatever I want.” *

 

** Slang term meaning (something much, much dirtier than) ‘big ass.’

 

***photo from people.com, lyrics at http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/k/kevin_federline/

Are you a single celeb searching for love but can’t ever find the time to get online?

Well, search no further! For absolutely NO COST AT ALL, you can get a PERSONALIZED PROFILE right here, right now. The best part? You do absolutely NOTHING. That’s right, just by being SEXY, SINGLE and IN THE SPOTLIGHT, I will create a profile that is uniquely yours and post it here at Celebritastic for everyone to view. TODAY COULD BE YOUR LUCKY-IN-LOVE DAY!

Got a suggestion for which FIERCE and FAMOUS celeb dating profile you want to see?? Post it in a comment and check back to see WHO MAKES THE CUT!